So, I didn’t go to church tonight. I’m not running a temperature, nor am I vomiting. I haven’t been at work all day, nor was I up all night taking care of a sick baby. I just didn’t feel up to facing people tonight. Not a lot of them anyway. Why? Because I’m in this constant state of tears. They just hit, and won’t stop. Right now, the words on my screen are blurry.
And I am so wrong.
I know how silly all of this is. My hate for my own tears. I despise crying in front of people. It is one of my absolute least favorite things in the world. But I have no problems with other people’s tears, in fact I want for those who are hurting to always know that they can come to me. All the same, I would almost rather crawl up in a ball and die than cry in front of people. And tonight is praise night, and I know that if I had gone the waterworks would’ve started for sure.
So here I am, sitting on my couch, listening to worship music and singing to myself and typing this to you and balling like a baby. I’ve had a lot of trouble lately with talking to God, I guess singing and crying has become my way of communication with Him.
Here’s the thing. No matter how many times I tell myself this, I seem to always forget. I’m sure that God would love for us to be ship shape and in line with what He wants for us. But He loves us and takes us as we are. He takes us broken, screwed up, ship shape, or brilliant. He takes us with tears streaming down our faces. Why? Because He loves us so much.
Would you give your child a stone when he asks for bread?
How much more are you loved?
It doesn’t matter how broken or twisted or useless you think you are, or I think I am, we are His, and we are loved. He is jealous for me. And for you. And if I cry in church, that should be absolutely 100% okay with me. It’s just something that I’ve got to work on, I guess.